Syzygy 001 Transcript

This transcript provided by ArtBedHome, with editing by Amber Griffin

Episode 1

Syzygy 001

“Please Don’t ‘Captain America’ My Ass”

[Judy and the Red Coin by Sean Hogan plays. ''A bouncy twinkling refrain of electronic music. It rises and falls, jingling, jangling, glingle and glangling.]''

Max

Welcome to the Bear Table! My name is Max, and my pronouns are He\Him and I will be your DM for the night.

Amber

Hi, I’m Amber, my pronouns are She/Her, I'm gonna be playing Guin, the Earth Genasi Monk.

RJ

I’m RJ, my pronouns are They\Them, I will be playing Nikephoros the [Minotaur] Swashbuckler.

Max

Uh, since there are only three of us all together I'm also going to be, uhhh, also playing a character called Kodak Steelhammer, he is a half-Orc, half-Dwarf fighter.

[The bouncy twinkling music returns, quickly joined by the beat of a drum, before it is cut off by a record scratch.]

Max

I’m gonna start of by saying, this is the first time I've ever dmed, soo-

Someone, as Max talks

Snrt

Max

...bear with me.

RJ

Hah. *Bear*.

Amber

Ha. [laughter]

Max

Like, the table.

[The music returns again, backed by drums, to slowly fade out as Max begins to talk.]

Max

You wake up in a dark room with dirt floors. Next to you, leaning on the wall, is what appears to be a stubby orc with a long, scruffy beard. He looks at you and says;

Kodak (Max)

[gruff voice] Ah, you're awake, I wasn't sure if you were going to come to.

Max

He holds out a hand and looks at you to shake it.

Kodak (Max)

I’m Kodak Steelhammer, but most call me Bear. What do I call the two of you?

Guin (Amber)

[perky voice] ...is this Skyrim!?

[laughter]

Kodak (Max)

Not to my knowledge.

Guin (Amber)

Uhh. Where the fuck are we?

Kodak (Max)

That’s a strange name.

Guin (Amber)

My name is Guin.

Kodak (Max)

Well, in answer to your question, Guin, I have no idea where the fuck we are.

Guin (Amber)

Great. Ok.

Nikephoros (RJ)

[gravelly voice] I’m, ah, I’m Nikephoros, you, you can call me Nike.

Kodak (Max)

Do you know where we are?

RJ

Would I know-?

Amber [interjecting]

Are you wearing *pants*?

RJ

Yeeah, probably not.

[laughter]

Guin (Amber)

Um,

Kodak (Max)

Where are your pants?

RJ

But, like. Seriously, like, question to the DM. My background is like, actual...

Max

Gladiatorial combat. He might have an idea, yeah.

Amber

Like, look around, what’s in the room, what do we see?

Max

Dirt and... wooden walls.

Amber

Is there a dooooor…?

Max

Yes. Well, actually. A door to your right opens up, and you hear a thunderous applause as you are blinded by sudden daylight

Nikephoros (RJ) [as a matter of fact]

If we are where I think we are… someone’s… gonna die.

Max

The three of you walk out and see that you are in an arena, with what look to be Elves, mostly filling the seats. To the left is a box seat, with an Elf noble leaning on the railing, a passive smile on his face, directly across from you from another door are a Tiefling, a Human and a Goblin, looking just as confused as you. To either side of the arena are weapon racks. Once you’re all out in the open, another Elf steps up to the railing and shouts;

Elf (Max)

HEROES. Now is the time to prove yourself worthy! Defeat your opponents in combat and you shall receive a prize worth more than your life!

Max

The crowd explodes into applause once more and you hear a horn blowing from all sides.

Amber

So uh. Okay. At the beginning of this, Guin is starting to take a bow. But she hears that and…

Guin (Amber)

Oh. Okay… alright… this is... less than ideeeeal.

Kodak (Max)

What's ideal for ya there?

Guin (Amber)

Being back in my village, surrounded by my beautiful followers, who love me?

Nike (RJ)

Followers…?

Kodak (Max)

Who are you?

Guin (Amber)

Well. My name’s Guin...

Kodak (Max)

I got that.

Guin (Amber)

I... didn't... name the town from my backstory yet...

[group laughter]

Guin (Amber)

Umm ...you haven't? Heard of me?

Nike (RJ)

No, not really.

Guin (Amber)

I am the living personification of the earth goddess Avani.

[silence]

Nike (RJ)

Uhhh...

Amber

She flips her braid to the other shoulder.

Niko (RJ)

Uhhhh... huh.

Kodak (Max)

...Good for you.

Guin (Amber)

Yes, it is good for me.

Amber

She, like, brings out her hands. and a small like little dust devil rises around her.

Kodak (Max)

Cute little magic trick you did there, but I don’t think it’s going to be much help against those three...

Guin (Amber)

Uh, um, yeah. We should, get on that, um

Amber

Initiative?

Max

I rolled a seventeen.

Amber

Twenty, plus two, that's twenty two

Max

Holy shit.

Amber [nervously]

Okay, I’ve never played a Monk before!

RJ

So, none of us know what we’re doing, cool.

Amber

Nooo, no, none of us know what we are doing.

RJ

Best way to play D&D.

Amber

So, um, these, these little, uh, things are called ‘dice’?

Max

Yes.

RJ

I thought they were called dicks.

Max

Well, one of them has twenty sides. So I hope they’re not dicks.

RJ

I hope they’re dicks.

Max

Okay, so you're in a big circular arena, and, on either side of you, towards the middle of the arena are two weapons racks. The one on the left has a shortsword, a shield, and a crossbow, and the one to the right has a spear, a warhammer, and a trident, and, yeah. You got the three guys on the other side across from you.

Amber

Okay, I’m gonna get the fuck to that spear.

Max

So, you go after the spear?

Amber

Uh, what are the walls of the arena made of?

Max

Uhhh. Iunno, stone?

Amber

Okay, good thing, I'm, a, stone goddess.

Max

I guess you are, aren't you.

Amber

But, I can't wall-walk. Yet.

Max

Yet. So you can't just grab the spear and yeet yourself out of the colosseum.

Amber

Well, how high are the walls?

Max

...High enough that you can't just run up them and run away.

Amber

Okay, I'm sorry, I’ll stop trying to destroy your beautiful scene you've set up for us.

Max

Nono, like, you can just try and up and run away. You're just not gonna get your shit back.

RJ

Snrk, yeah.

Amber

I spend one Ki point to do Patient Defense, the next person who tries to hit me has Disadvantage.

Max

Okay, is that your turn?

Amber

I.. use the rest of my movement to jump behind the weapons rack.

Max

Ok, [laughs] then, it's now Nike’s turn.

Nike (RJ)

Ok, I am trying to get to that shield.

Max

Okay, is that all you’re doing?

RJ

Mmhm.

Max

Okay next in the order… is the Goblin. He's gonna make a dash. For the ...I’m gonna say the shortsword. He's gonna try and make a jab at… Nike… although... that Goblin rolls a nineteen, then.

RJ

Mmmn, that’s gonna hit it.

Max

Two damage.

RJ

Mmmyeah.

Amber

Two damage! [laughter]

[laughter]

Max

Next in the order is the Tiefling.

Amber

We all now have to officially pronounce it TIE-fling, since that's how it was pronounced first in the podcast.

RJ

I also motion that every time we say The BEAR table, we have to say it in that dramatic voice.

Amber

The BEAR table

Max

Anyway, Tiefling, iiiiis gonna go for the crossbow.

Amber

I thought you were gonna say ‘gonna go for the CROTCH’!

Max [laughing]

He’s just gonna run up and punch you in the dick, Nike. It's your fault for not wearing pants.

Nike (RJ)

I'm a Minotaur, do you know how hard It Is to find pants that fit over a digitigrade?

Max

Anyway, the Tiefling is gonna run up and grab the crossbow, and hes gonnaaaa shoot aaat the Goblin, because, fuck it, I probably shouldn’t do that. Also he's at close range so, uh,

Amber

Oh, uh, are we not teams? Are we supposed to be fighting each other?

Max

You can be a team if you want, but, like, you’re technically not a team.

Amber

OH.

Max

It was either the Tiefling attacks the Goblin or he punches you in the dick, so, like...

RJ

[snorts]

Amber

Can he... punch the Goblin in the dick?

Max

Sure, he punches the Goblin in the dick, and he rolLS A NAT TWENTY!

Amber

Okay, well, uh, Unarmed Strikes of, uh, non-Monks, do one bludgeoning damage plus their Strength Modif-

Max

[giggling] But he rolled a nat twenty to punch him in the dick.

Amber

Ok, so, you roll it twice, then, so, two damage, plus Strength Modifier-

Max

Ehe.

Amber

We can have a Dick Multiplier, if you want, but I feel like they should have to roll at Disadvantage, to hit someone in the dick, because that’s a called shot.

Max

[choking laughter] -ahem, I'm just gonna knock the Goblin down for two damage, and I'm gonna say he's prone, snrk, for the moment.

Amber

Alright, dick punches get prone, ''noted... writing it down.''

Max

[laughing]

RJ

‘s canon now, part of the rules.

Amber

Canon now.

Max

Ahahhnyway, next in the order is the human who is, gonna, go for the trident on the left.

Amber [solemnly]

Humans, the rarest of all races.

Max

Yeah uh, and he's gonna take a, uh, stab at… Guin who's hiding behind the rack.

Amber

At disadvantage, because I toooook the doooodge action!

Max

Well, uh, he also just rolled a crit fail so like…..

Amber [laughing]

Fucker.

Max

He stabs himself in the foot.

Guin (Amber)

You see, guys, I am a goddess!

Kodak (Max)

Sure, sure that was, that was you.

Guin (Amber)

No one! Can touch me!

Max

And finally, at the bottom of the order we have Kodak.

Amber

And the bottom of the height!

Max

And the bottom of the height, so, he’s gonna go for the warhammer, ‘cause that’s all that's left, and he's gonna take a swing at the Human, and miss, and so we are now back to Guin.

Amber

[thoughtfully] Can we kill Kodak?

Max

I would prefer if you-

RJ

CAN WE KILL KODAK?

Max

I mean you can, I would just prefer, if you didn't, because then you are gonna, like, be down a man for, the rest of the thing.

Amber

Okay, I'm gonna try and, uh, stab the guy who’s in front of me.

Max

The Human?

Amber

Yeah, so, d20 plus four….that’s a fourteen, plus four... equals eighteen.

Max

Yeah that's a hit.

Amber

And I am using both hands, so it's a d8 of damage, plus two, for five damage.

Max

So, you hit him for five damage?

Amber

Yes, and, I may as well just use my Ki Point to do Flurry of Blowsss... so I can make two unarmed strikes. A sixteen, plus four, seventeen, eighteen... twenty, and as a Monk my Unarmed Strikes are a d4 plus two, so, three, four, five, and then I roll to hit again and do fourteen, plus four, equals... eighteen, and I do one damage to him, no, one plus… [unintelligible muttering] aaand I would like..? For that to be Non-lethal Damage?

Max

Okay, how much damage did you just do to him?

Amber

I……… don't know?

Max

Those were a lot of numbers.

Amber

Roll back the tape!

Max

[laughter]

Amber

Um, three, plus five, plusssss... plus five, plus five, so, ten... thirteen damage.

Max

Okay, well I’m glad you said Non-lethal, because that guy would be fucking dead.

Amber

Okay, so I leap up, and I just hit that guy in the fucking chin with my heel... I do a bow as I drive this man's face into the dirt.

Max

Okay, so that's the end of your turn?

Amber

Yes.

Max

Okay, so, Nike.

RJ

Who’s closest?

Max

Either the Goblin or the Tiefling, they're both, like, right next to you.

RJ

I’m going to use Goring Rush!

Max

Ok

RJ

I rolled a three, nevermind.

Max

And you miss! You, ah, briefly get stuck into the wall, and then you pull yourself out.

But the Goblin’s still on the ground holding his dick, because that Tiefling just fucking like, nailed him.

RJ

At least I’m like [indistinct] in the other direction.

Amber

Oh! If he's prone! If he's prone they get Advantage!

[dice roll]

Max

Yeah, that’ll hit.

Amber

Ten! That's ten!

Max

Ten!

Okay, the Goblin is dead… you, kicked him while he was down-

RJ

I speared him while he was down.

Max

You speared him while he was down.

RJ

[snrk]

Max

Okay, so, next we have the Tiefling who’s gonnaaa, uhm, back away a bit, and try and shoot at Nike because, honestly, that was kinda scary, heeeeeeeeeee... [dice roll] ...rolls an eight.

RJ

[splutterlaughs]

Max

Nnnnnooooo, so, he misses. So, next in the order, the Human’s also down, you didn't kill him, right?

Amber

I did not kill him, no, he’s hopefully unconscious or just, crying on the ground.

Max

He’s sobbing in the corner, crying for his mom.

Guin (Amber)

Well, now I feel bad.

Max

[cackles] Kodak’s gonna run over and try and hit the Tiefling with the warhammer and he will [dice roll] not hit. ...Kodaks been, been rolling some bad, bad, rolls. Guin, we’re back to you!

Amber

So it is Nike, and Kodak, and the Tiefling who are still up?

Max

Yup.

Amber

And they are all, like, in one corner on the other side of the arena?

Max

Basically, yeah.

Amber

So I’m gonna run as far away from them as I can get-

Max

Okay.

Amber

-and I am going to ready an action, so, if anyone tries to get into Melee range with me I'm going to use Gust to push them back five feet.

Max

So, is that your Action?

Amber

Yeah, ye, my Action is to ready my Reaction, and then I will end my turn there.

Max

Ok, Nike!

RJ

I am gonna go specifically after the Tiefling, but Kodak’s gonna want to make a save here, too.

Max

Okay.

RJ

For, for Goring Rush, wahahahahah!

Max

What do I need to save against it?

RJ

Well, thirteen, I rolled a thirteen.

Amber

No, you should have, um, there should be a saving throw that is your...

RJ

Mm-mmh.

Amber

Well, whoever designed the minotaur did, [Max: laughs] did it wrong.

Rj

Mmm

Amber

Well it’s probably ten plus your... Strength Modifier.

Rj

Well, what did you roll?

Max

Eleven.

Amber

Plus Proficiency Bonus would be... twelve would be the DC, I think.

Max

Teeeen plus, I think...what should be the modifier?

Amber

No, uh, he has to beat twelve, I think, and whatever his DEX Modifier probably is what he would add. But if he rolled an eighteen, he saved.

Max

Yeah, Kodak rolled out of the way with an nineteen. The tiefling on the other haaand…..[dice roll] -got a three.

Rj

Okay, six.

Max

Six damage, he’s still up, he’s not doing too hot, but he’s still up, and it is now his turn, he’s going to retaliate with an improvised weapon and just try and punch you- [RJ: snorts] -in the dick as well- [RJ: chortling] He rolled a fifteen?

RJ

Tied.

Max

Tied….does- does that mean it hits..?

Amber

Uh, ‘Meets it, beats it’, so, it hits.

Max

Hit, so, he punches you in the dick for... four damage, and I guess by the rules I accidentally set up, you are now prone.

Okay, let’s see if Kodak can actually roll something for once here, Kodak’s gonna go for the Tiefling [dice roll] and HIT with seventeen!

He’s gonna whack him with the warhammer, six damage, still does not quite kill him, but he’s very close, which brings us back around to Guin!

Amber

[surprised] Oh! That's me!

Max

Yes, yes it is.

Amber

I’m gonna do the same thing I did last turn, I don’t- I’m gonna wait, until these guys kill everything else.

…

I took down my guy!

Max

Okay, well Guin is done! Nike, I guess is still prone, how long does that usually last, like, a turn?

Amber

No, it's, until they get up.

Max

Okay, you can get up.

RJ

So, who’s left?

Max

The Tiefling and Kodak… and Guin, if you wanna go take a swipe at her.

RJ

...How far away is Guin?

Max

Uuhm she's kinda like across the arena from you but, I’d say like 25 feet.

RJ

The shield I picked up  was… 1d4 bludgeoning?

Max

Yes.

Amber

Dont ‘Captain America’ my ass, please!

[Max and RJ laughing]

RJ

I wasn't going to, but now that you’ve said something-- I'm actually just going to bash the Tiefling in the face.

Amber

Oh, but that would have been so cool, I could have ‘Gust’ed the shield away, and it would have been so badass...

Max

It would have been so funny, if you like just hurled the shield at her, and she just like, gusts it away and nails the Tiefling in the face.

[Amber and RJ laughing]

Amber

Let’s do that maneuver!

[all laughing]

Amber

Can we try, can we please try!

Max

-I will let you try-

Amber

Allright!

RJ

I... fine.

Max

So I guess, roll to ‘Captain America’.

RJ

Full on, Greco-Roman shotput style?

Max

Mmhm.

RJ

‘Kay- [dice rolls] -thirteen.

Amber

And I'm gonna use Gust, to ‘move an unheld or carried object, five pounds or under’, I can push it- well- I can push it ten feet away… Can I rebound it, can I please, it would just be so cool.

Max

Okay, just because the Tiefling is so close to death, I will let you rebound it.

Amber

Alright! I ‘Gust’ it!

Max

Okay.

Amber

''Pshew! -and it's already in the air, so, it goes more, and it’s spinning-''

Max

Okay,

Amber

This makes sense. This makes sense.

Max

I want you to roll.

Amber

Ah okay, what should I roll?

Max

Just a flat d20.

[dice rolling]

Amber

Uuuuuh,  seven.

Max

Okay and what did you roll, a thirteen? Okay, that’ll hit, I’ll take that.

Amber

Oh, and, we’re flavouring this as, as earth powers instead of wind powers-

Max

Yeah.

Amber

So I’ll- I’ll stamp on the ground like an earthbender and a little just of earth comes up and knocks it into them.

Max

We’re, we’re uh starting at level three, by the way, we probably should have mentioned that.

Amber

We’re taking some liberties.

Max

Just a little bit, just a little bit of liberties.

{editor’s note: the bear table may have little a liberties, as a treat}

Max

Thaaat hits the Tiefling for…

RJ

That’s a 1d4. [dice rolls]

Max

Still not dead! Unless….. you wanna roll for damage also, since you technically had a hand in this.

Amber

Oh! If you wanna, uh, let me, I will. [dice rolls] One.

Max

Yeah that’s it, he’s gone, the Tiefling is down!

Okay, so, you- you knock the Tiefling down, and the three of you kinda look at each other… but, before you can decide if you are going to kill each other, ah, the Elf that spoke earlier, stands up again and says;

Elf (Max)

I think it's time we made this a little more interesting!

Amber

[quietly] Fuck.

Max

-and under the applause, you hear a low boom, and then another, and as the applause starts to fade, and you pinpoint it at a massive door to the right, and before you can react, the door bursts off its hinges, and, standing in the opening is a very big, very angry ogre.

Amber

How tall is it?

Max

Uhh, I'm gonna say uh..

Amber

If I ran up its back and jumped could I get to the edge of the arena?

Max

...no.

Amber

Damn. I wish I had been an Air Genasi, then I could just fly the fuck out of here. [laughs]

Max

[laughs] So, uh, Kodak looks at the two of you and says;

Kodak (Max)

This just got a lot harder, uuuuh, I think we should try and team up and beat this thing, and just split whatever that prize is.

Guin (Amber)

Do ya think...? They’re gonna lettttt usss doooo that…?

Kodak (Max)

Well if they don't, we have weapons, and they don't.

Nike (RJ)

Hm.

Guin (Amber)

We’re also in a big hole.

Kodak (max)

Look, do you wanna team up with me to fight this thing, or do you wanna try and take it on on your own?

Amber

An Ogre is... size Large?

Max

Yeah.

Amber

So I can’t ‘Gust’ it...

Max

No.

So… first up we have Guin.

Amber

Okay, um… I don't wanna go first…

Max

[laughing] Well, that’s too bad

Amber

I do have a monk thing that lets me double my jump for a turn…..

Max

[laughing] Are you just gonna try and book your way outta here?

Amber

I want out! I don't wanna-

[RJ chuckling]

Amber

[pages turning] Okay, I will… I will run over toooo the other two, and I will ready my spear to wack that bitch, if it gets close to me.

Max

Okay, so you’re running over and you’re readying, that's your action?

Amber

Mmhm.

Max

Okay, so Nike!

RJ

How far away is this thing from me?

Max

About 25 feet- well-

RJ

I'm going to use Goring Rush.

Max

Again?

RJ

Again, because it's what I've got right now…

[dice roll]

Eight.

Max

Okay, that might just be a you thing.

RJ

Yeah, it’s just a me thing.

Max

That does not hit.

RJ

I figured, but does it put me closer?

Max

Yeah, it puts you closer, you’re like right in front of the goddamn thing now-

RJ

Good.

Max

-and next in the order is the Ogre, whooooo, uh, is gonna try an uh swipe at Nike, because you’re like  right there, but he's gonna miss-

RJ

Mrrrr..

Max

And then we have Kodak, who's gonna, run up and try- and he's gonna, like, slam his hammer down on the Ogre’s foot. [dice roll] He’s gonna hit!

Four… plus 1d8- where’s my eight- for five damage!

He is… also a Fighter, so he is going to use Action Surge which gives him an extra attack once per Short Rest and he is gonna… try and take out this thing’s kneecap on the upswing... and he hits for [dice roll] seven damage.

And, then it is Guin, once more.

Amber

Uh, yeah I'm gonna hit it. It’s hitting time. [dice roll] An eighteen plus four for my spear attack!

Max

That will hit.

Amber

That will hit, and a fourteen plus four, so eighteen, for one Unarmed Strike, and the other one is a four and doesn’t hit, so I will roll a d8 for the quarterstaff. Seven damage. And then for the Unarmed Strike, two, four damage.

Max

Okay. That's a good round. Nike. What's your big plan here, bud?

RJ

Still within five feet?

Max

Yeah

RJ

Okay, so what I’m going to do, is I’m going to use Rakish Audacity, which-

Max

‘Kay.

RJ

Starting at third level, your unmistakable confidence propels you into battle, you can add your Charisma Modifier to your Initiative rolls, in addition, you don't need Advantage on your attack rolls to use your Sneak Attack, if no creature other than your target is within five feet of you, all the other rules for the Sneak Attack class feature still apply.

Max

Okay.

RJ

So, I’m going to use Rakish Audacity, and Goring Rush, which, and for, Sneak Attack... um,

RJ & Amber

[simultaneously] Sixteen!

Max

That will hit.

RJ

Okay and then a d10, seven, eight

Max

Is that plus your six?

RJ

Yeah.

Max

Eight total, or seven plus eight?

Amber

Eight total.

Max

Eight total, okay.

RJ

Yeah.

Max

Next in the order is the Ogre, who is not a happy camper right now, aaand he is gonna swing for Kodak. Aaaand.. miss. Pretty hard. He's just throwing haymakers. And he’s not even, like, he can't get down low enough to hit Kodak.

[group laughter]

Max

That’s a swing and a miss. And Kodak, is going to try and... hit the Ogre in the other shin, and he misses. So, Guin.

Amber

Guin is out of keypoints. So. Guin is going to….just whack that boy, with my spear.

Max

Just whack that boy!

Amber

Gonna WHACK that boy… eight plus four, so twelve?

Max

...that will hit.

Amber

Okay, nice.

Amber

So d8….seven plus two is nine.

Max

Nine damage?

Amber

Nine damage!

Max

Okay, you are chipping away at him, slowly but surely.

Nike!

RJ

[indistinct]

Amber

Can you, speak loud enough to come up on the mic?

RJ

I'm just going to repeat the last action.

Max

Alright.

RJ

Kay.

Twelve.

Max

That will hit.

RJ

Six, nine

Max

Nine? Okay.

Aaaand the Ogre, he’s staggering a little bit, and he's going to take a swing at Nike [dice roll] and miss,

Aaaand Kodak, he's going to swing again for his shins, and [dice roll] misss, and Guin?

Amber

Alright I’m gonna do what I just did, and whack him again with the spear.

Max

Whack that boy!

Amber

Well I am stabbing him,

Max

You’re stabbing him.

Amber

‘cause, it’s piercing damage. I am stabbing. I’m stabbing him.

I’m stabbing for... thats a natural fucking tweennnnyYYYYyyyieugh so, a six, and then a seven, so six, twelve, thirteen, plus two, is fifteen.

Max

Fifteen damage?

Amber

Fifteen damage.

Max

Ok, so, you, you rear back and hurl this spear, and you nail it right between the eyes, and the thing falls to the ground with a deafening thud, and you are the victors.

Guin (Amber)

I told you, I am a goddess.

Nike (RJ)

Mm...hmm...

Kodak (Max)

Still not entirely sure I believe that...

Amber

And she like, kinda flips her hair back, and you guys see that one side of her face is kinda of cracked, she has a kind of a… greyish brown complexion, and like, a weird kind of looking texture, now that you are actually looking at her closely, the pupil of her right eye seems to be kind of engraved as is she’s a statue, and the left part of her face has an enormous crack running through it that completely obfuscates her left eye, which has a tiger’s eye marble in place instead of an eye there. It’s very spooky.

Max

I almost feel like I should give you disadvantage on perception rolls.

Amber

[chuckles] Perhaps you should.

Nike (RJ)

Uh, no offence... what happened to your face?

Amber

She shrugs.

Kodak (Max)

That’s a valid response.

[theme song plays]

Max

Hey! Just putting a break in the middle, ‘cause, if you are like me, and your commute is only fifteen minutes, D&D podcasts are hard to listen to.

Also, I just wanted to drop a quick ‘thank you’ to Sean Hogan who wrote our theme song, which is called ‘Judy and the Red Coin’, you can find him on YouTube under the same name, or, at patreon.com/letsdoit. Please go support him! He does a lot of great stuff, like recreating the ‘Song of the Sun’ from Legend of Zelda out of the actual sound of the sun. Did you know the sun makes sounds? Apparently you can make music out of it. Anyway, go support, Sean, I'll let you get back to D&D.

[theme song plays]

Max

Anyway, the announcer Elf stops the fight, and he turns to the noble Elf, who is obviously the one that’s been running this whole thing, who stands up at the railing again. He declares you three the winners and says;

Noble Elf (Max)

As the winners, the three of you will get the great honour of retrieving something very special to me-

Nike (RJ)

WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I DO THIS FOR YOU, YOU ALMOST KILLED US!

Noble Elf (Max)

Well, you do it, or I will kill you!

Nike (RJ)

You wanna come down here and make good on that threat?

Max

And he's got like, five guards that come up and threateningly and point their weapons at you.

Amber

I stand like, feet apart, like arms crossed, absolutely still.

Max

As you look around there are more guards kind of appearing through the crowd, just all over the arena, they’ve got a bunch of crossbows pointed at you.

RJ

Well, Nike’s not gonna back down, we all know Nike’s not gonna back down on his own accord.

Max

Alright well, the uh, the Elf sees that you guys are being pretty stubborn about this, and he says;

Noble Elf (Max)

Well, whatever you find on your journey, to get this thing for me, you get to keep, including the marvelous treasure that has been left in the ancient temple I’m about to send you to.

Nike (RJ)

Now you're speaking my language!

Guin (Amber)

FIRST of all, I don't believe you- SECOND of all WHERE ARE WE!?

[group laughter]

Elf Noble (Max)

Thats a good question! I'll give you a map on the way out, good luck.

Max

And you are kinda ushered out of the, uh arena, and a couple other elves give you all of your shit back that you had before you woke up in the arena.

Amber

I would like to look at the map.

Max, laughing

The uh, the map’s just a shitty piece of paper, that says ‘Ancient Elven Temple three days’ walk Northeast’.

Guin (Amber)

Okay, so we don't have my hometown on it, which i have decided is called… Stone……… Henge……

[extended high pitched laughter]

Guin (Amber)

IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY!

Max

Anyway, so, they send you guys- [laughing] they send you guys on your way. You’re hiking for a while, and you come across uh-

Guin (Amber)

Whatever. This is fine. This is fine.

Amber

I'm skipping along, do I still have my spear, did they let me keep the spear?

Max

Sure, they let you keep the spear.

Amber

I am twirling the spear.

Max

You come across this chasm, that there's no plausible way you could cross, ah, except for a bridge, which is being more-or-less guarded by this old Tortle in what appears to be Paladin armour, but, he’s definitely retired. And he is wearing a light pink scarf, ‘cause it looks nice, and he stands there and says;

Tortle (Max)

Now, hold on there, children, not so fast. I'm not supposed to let you pass unless you can answer my three questions, but don't worry, they're pretty easy, I think...

Guin (Amber)

O...kay-

Amber

What’s the bridge made of?

Max

Very, very rickety wood, like, may not support the minotaur wood.

RJ & Amber

[simultaneously] Oh no.

RJ

Fuck it, I’ll swim?

Is there a water vehicle?

Max

No. This chasm is like, super deep.

Tortle (Max)

Alright, number one, what is the square root of one thousand four hundred and forty three- I’m  just kidding here is the real first question-

[strangled laughter]

Amber

Guin has just a look of utter….

Max

‘What are we doing!?’

Amber

Disgust, just, she's completely appalled.

Max

Kodak doesn't seemlike he’s paying all that much attention. Ok, uh;

Tortle (Max)

Okay, so, the first one. So there are four siblings born in this world, all born together. The first runs and never wearies, the second eats and is never full, the third drinks and is always thirsty, the fourth sings a song forever, who are they?

Nike (RJ)

Earth, wind and fire?

Max

...You’re missing one.

Nike (RJ)

[scoffs] Water!

Tortle (Max)

That's correct! Alright, I've got another one for you.

Guin (Amber)

Look. Look. Sir, I am the incarnation of the earth goddess Avani, we have, shit to do, please. Also, where, the fuck are we?

Tortle (Max)

Well, I think you’re at the end of this bridge.

Guin (Amber)

[falsely genuine] Okay. Okay, this is fine. I'm, an adventurer now, I don’t, give a shit.

Tortle (Max)

Well, I’m glad. The second-

Nike (RJ)

She’s hangry.

Tortle (Max)

The second riddle-

Guin (Amber)

I don't have any rations ...no, I do!

Tortle (Max)

I've got some bread in my hut around the corner if you… [giggles]

Nike (RJ)

I have literally ten days worth of rations.

Guin (Amber)

[solemnly] I only eat rocks;

Amber

This is not true…..

Tortle (Max)

….anyway the second riddle

Uhhh, say my name and I disappear, what am I-

Guin (Amber)

-Silence!

Tortle (Max)

Alright, well, you seem to be pretty good at this, but I think this last one might stump you a little bit-

Guin (Amber)

-Is it a stump?

Tortle (Max)

No.

Guin (Amber)

Damn.

[group laughter]

Guin (Amber)

Do you kill us for wrong answers?

Tortle (Max)

No?

Guin (Amber)

Good.

Nike (RJ)

That’s unfortunate.

Tortle (Max)

Do you want me to kill you for wrong answers?

Guin (Amber)

I mean, I'm better at fighting than riddles, I think?

Tortle (Max)

Well, just, listen, you’ll probably figure it out.

I am the beginning of sorrow and the end of sickness, there is no happiness without me, nor is there sadness, I am always in risk, yet never in danger, you will find me in the sun but I am never out of darkness, what am I?

[a long pause]

Guin (Amber)

[cautiously] ...atoms.

Max

Nope.

Amber

I don't say that in character, Guin doesn't know what an atom is.

Nike (RJ)

What was…? one more time.

Max

Okay, I'm just gonna read it in my normal voice.

“I am the beginning of sorrow and the end of sickness there is no happiness without me, nor is there sadness, I'm always in risk yet never in danger-

Guin (Amber)

The letter s!

Amber

Does Guin know how to read? -she knows how to read.

Max

[laughs]

Max

That's a character choice on your part I think!

Amber

She knows how to read, she can read.

Max

She knows how to read.

Tortle (Max)

Alright, just one more, because I wanna see if you’re really paying attention.

Guin (Amber)

You said, riddles three, didnt you?

Tortle (Max)

I did-

Nike (RJ)

He did say riddles three-

RJ

I try to walk over the bridge.

Amber

I try to walk past him!

Tortle (Max)

I've got one more question for you, and if you try to walk on that bridge, it’s going to break underneath you and you will die.

Guin (Amber)

[haltingly] I...can, fly?

Max

Can you?

Amber

How… how wide is the bridge.

Max

Not very.

Okay, you know that scene in Shrek, where they are trying to cross to the castle?

Amber

Yes.

Max

It's like that, but if you step on a piece of wood it will kill you.

Amber

Oh.

Max

Yeah.

Amber.

She plants her feet, crosses her arms, still as a statue.

Tortle (Max)

What is my favourite colour?

Nike (RJ)

[growling] It's that mauve-y pink-y colour that's on your scarf -can we go?

Max

He gives you each a feather and says;

Guin (Amber)

O, kay!

Tortle (Max)

These are imbued with magic to make you light enough to cross that rickety old bridge, I only give it to people I think are smart enough to use it, because they are very few and far between.

Safe travels now!

Max

And then he just kind of sits back down on his chair, and sits around, so you guys can move on across the bridge now!

Amber

I don’t. I wait. For someone else to go first.

Max

[laughs] Kodak’s just like;

Kodak (Max)

Allright, well, yeah, no point in sittin’ around, sittin’ on our hands, we’ve got treasure to find.

Max

And he just crosses the bridge just fine, with his feather, if anyone would like to follow him…

RJ

Nike is three hundred and ten pounds.

Max

You’re not getting anywhere if you don’t pass this bridge.

Nike (RJ)

You know what, I’m gonna cross it-

Amber

I CROSS THE BRIDGE! I cross-

I-I fight to get there first!

I cross the damn bridge!

Max

So, you walk for about another hour.

So, uh, you guys camp for the night, and after you get everything set up, Kodak sits down on a log around the fire you guys built, and says;

Kodak (Max)

So, you guys wanna play a game? Uh, I used to play this with my orc friends after we kicked each other's asses on fight night.

Guin (Amber)

What game?

Kodak (Max)

Well it's called ‘Never Have I Ever’.

Guin (Amber)

Okaaaaay, what is the purpose of this “game”?

Kodak (Max)

Well, learning things about each other, and, uh, also usually to see who can get someone more drunk.

Nike (RJ)

Well, I'm down.

Kodak (Max)

Not sure we have any booze, I mean, I don't have any booze on me.

Guin (Amber)

Neither do I?

Nike (RJ)

If I did, I wouldn’t be sharing.

Kodak (Max)

Fair enough, we’ll just use fingers, then.

Max

Alright, so who wants to start?

[ a pause, followed by laughter]

Max

...Dammit!

Amber

RJ and I have both silently placed our fingers on our noses.

RJ

[chuckling]

Max

I am getting my station situated, you assholes!

Amber

Well,

Kodak (Max)

I'm gonna go for low blow here, never-have-I-ever... been over five feet tall.

RJ

[snorts]

Guin (Amber)

Do shoes count- no, I’ve never worn shoes.

[laughing]

Guin (Amber)

I’m… bear foot.

Max

How tall are you without shoes?

Amber

Five foot nothin’, so I'm confused.

Max

I guess that counts, I said taller than five foot.

Guin (Amber)

Okay, so, never-have-I-ever, I have never. Are we drinking? Is this booze-related?

Kodak (Max)

Well I was just using fingers, but if somebody has booze….

Guin (Amber)

I do not, unless it comes in my rations?

Kodak (Max)

I do not think it comes in your rations. We probably shouldn't be getting drunk.

Guin (Amber)

They probably confiscated any booze we had, okay, so, fingers.

Kodak (Max)

I'm gonna say five, otherwise we’re gonna be here all night.

Guin (Amber)

Okay, so, I put one down if I haven't?

Kodak (Max)

You put one down if you have.

Guin (Amber)

Ok

Nike (RJ)

What was yours?

Guin (Amber)

Never have I ever ……...fuck.

Kodak (Max)

Well, I've done that.

RJ

[snickering]

Guin (Amber)

Oh...oh kay….uh...um...wait, if you haven't-

Kodak (Max)

If you have done it, you put a finger down.

Amber

Okay, I dont put any fingers down, because, I don’t think Guin has done the fuck.

RJ

[chuckles]

Amber

Not yet.

Max

Okay, Guin has not done the fuck.

Kodak fucks.

[chair scraping back from the table]

Max

[loud laughter]

Amber

Looking at the picture for Nikephoros…..he deffo fucks.

Max

[struggling to breathe as he laughs]

RJ just got up and left the room, uuh.

[muffled clunking]

Amber

If you can hear that, that's the sound of RJ ascending the stairs to my grandmother’s house.

Max

[laughs]

Amber

Because….we are in….my grandmother's basement, currently.

Max

They can't handle the fact that Kodak fucks.

Amber

[laughs] I feel like Guin probably will fuck at some point, she just hasn’t gotten around to it yet.

RJ

[distantly] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAkay.

Max

You good?

RJ

Yah.

Max

[laughing]

Amber

Alright….

Nike (RJ)

Never-have-I-ever fallen off a ship.

Guin (Amber)

Never.

Nike (RJ)

Have you ever been on ships?

Kodak (Max)

...no.

Guin (Amber)

I've never ….seen a ship?

Kodak (Max)

What's a ship? I live on a mountain.

Guin (Amber)

Same.

Kodak (Max)

Can we put a finger down and can we say something and put a finger down if we have done it but we can't think of anything else?

Guin (Amber)

I….think so? You can't think of one thing that you've never done?

Kodak (Max)

Never-have-I-ever drank my body weight in liquor.

Max

And he puts a finger down.

[laughs]

Guin (Amber)

...Never.

Kodak (Max)

Really? Well, you must be fun at parties.

Guin (Amber)

Well I’m, I'm the most fun at, the parties, that are held, in honour of my glory?

Kodak (Max)

You don't drink at those?

Guin (Amber)

I do drink at those, but I weigh, a lot of weight.

Kodak (Max)

You weigh a lot of weight?

Amber

I...uh-

Kodak (Max)

You weigh “a lot” of pounds?

Amber

I am now deciding that I weigh two hundred pounds, and I am five foot zero.

Kodak (Max)

That's a lot of alcohol! [laughs]

Nike (RJ)

THat’s not… It's a metaphor!

Kodak (Max)

Basically, it just means you've drunk yourself under the table.

Guin (Amber)

I don't know if i've… been under the table? At a festival? I'm usually at the head of the table… where everyone can see me.

Kodak (Max)

Oh you poor sweet child.

Nike (RJ)

This is gonna be fun.

Kodak (Max)

Your turn.

Guin (Amber)

Never have I ever been...adored and worshiped by hundreds of loyal followers.

Max

Kodak puts down a finger.

Amber

[laughs]

Nike (RJ)

What the fuck?

Kodak (Max)

Alright so, in the town I grew up in, there was an underground fighting ring, and despite the fact that I was about four feet tall, and surrounded by orcs, they never saw me comin’.

Guin (Amber)

[whispers] I think I know why….

Kodak (Max)

[confused] Why do you think you know why?

Guin (Amber)

You're short?

Nike (RJ)

Same hat….

Kodak (Max)

Same hat!

Guin (Amber)

What?

Max

Kodak and Nike fist bump.

I’m down to two.

Kodak (Max)

Nike it's your turn.

Nike (RJ)

Never have I ever pierced anything that I did not mean to pierce.

Kodak (Max)

Does this include people?

Nike (RJ)

[seriously considering] Hm… no.

Guin (Amber)

No?

Kodak (Max)

Hmmm...

Guin (Amber)

Kodak?

Kodak (Max)

M thinkin, mmmmhhhuh, never have I ever seen the ocean.

Guin (Amber)

Never. Ok, I have one, never… have I ever… ridden a horse…

Kodak (Max)

Does a pony count?

Guin (Amber)

Yes? Never-have-I-ever ridden an equine or a four-legged beast of burden of some kind?

Kodak (Max)

Four-legged beast of burden. [chuckling] I'm gonna start calling it that from now on. [laughing]

Nike (RJ)

Chuckling

Guin (Amber)

Huh?

Nike (RJ)

I feel like me doing that would be against the laws of nature.

Kodak (Max)

I mean maybe. Guin, it's your turn.

Guin (Amber)

If I have four fingers up at the end does that mean I win, or lose?

Kodak (Max)

[pleasantly] Well, that depends on how you look at life.

Guin (Amber)

[puzzled] I... see...

Amber

She... doesn't. She has one eye, she looks at life through one eye…

although, can she see out the marble eye? I haven't decided….

Nike (RJ)

Never-have-I-ever busted my face that bad!

Guin (Amber)

[resentfully] Ok fine, I have.

Max

Kodak puts a finger down, he has a scar right down the middle of his face.

Amber

She puts her bangs back over the big split in her face, she's a little hunched over now.

Kodak (Max)

Kodak’s out, so, now it’s just between you two.

Guin (Amber)

Never have I ever killed someone.

Kodak (Max)

That's a lie, didn’t you just kill the ogre? That was you!

Guin (Amber)

No, I did kill…

Nike (RJ)

HA!

Guin (Amber)

Does the ogre count as a person?

Nike (RJ)

RACIST!

Kodak (Max)

Ogres have feelings!!

Guin (Amber)

No! I’m… legitimately um… are-are ogres people?

Kodak (Max)

Ogre rights!

Guin (Amber)

[fake panicked] I forgot to say I non-lethally stabbed the ogre!

Max

You didn't kill the human but uh,  you definitely shoved-

Guin (Amber)

Okay fine! Two fingers left then.

I win-slash-lose?

Kodak (Max)

Sure

Guin (Amber)

Okay... this has been fun….

Kodak (Max)

I think...it's time we went to bed….because we've got to hike for another, like, two days.

Guin (Amber)

Okayyyyy.

Kodak (Max)

Whatever this treasure is, it had better be worth it.

Guin (Amber)

Yeah, I really don't think he's gonna let us keep the treasure.

Kodak (Max)

Well we could always fight him for it. Or we could just not go back.

Guin (Amber)

Somehow, this is not to our advantage. And I haven't figured out how. But somehow…..we're getting fucked.

Amber

And she kinda, covers her mouth.

Guin (Amber)

I mean! Yes! Fucked!!! I said it! FUCK!

Kodak (Max)

Say the fuck word!!

Guin (Amber)

I SAY THE FUCK WORD! As much as I want! I’ve always said the fuck word as much as I want! I don't give a ffffuck!!!!

Nike (RJ)

Have you….

Kodak (Max)

You, you tell ‘em.

[music plays]

RJ

This has been The Bear Table! Our theme song was written and created by Sean Hogan!

The campaign is written and led by Max Jackson!

The podcast is edited by Amber Griffin,

and the cover art and logo were done by me, thank you for listening and we will see you next time!

[outro plays]